The most beautiful baby in my life.  This project is to help me grieve.  If somethings don't make any sence its because I'm basically putting my feelings down.  The hardest thing in life is to grieve, and I hope no one goes through what I have gone through in the last 8 months.  My whole heart is gone.  When I had Christian I thought to myself "how am I going to take care of him?" "Im 19 years old and no education after high school."  Christian is what made me so happy.  You could be in the worst mood and he would just have to smile, or giggle and everything was so much better.  Me being so young, I wouldn't take it back for the world.  Christian is my everything, and I don't know how I make it everyday without him.  Their is not one day that goes by that I don't think about Christian.  I just recentley celebrated his 2nd birthday.  You always wonder what he looks like today.  How is Christian doing?  I wonder everyday.  I don't know how Im going to live my life without him. 

On August 7, 2004 was one hell of a day.  I woke up at 9:00 A.M. to get ready for work.  This was a Saturday.  I was so glad Christian was still asleep so I can get ready real quick.  I was running late that day.  The night before Christian didn't want to go to bed so we both slept in.  Greg, was on his way over to watch Christian for me that day.  If you don't know who Greg is he was my fiancee.  Greg and I didn't have time to talk that morning because I was running late.  I woke Christian up about 9:15 so he can eat, and I can get him ready for the day.  When Greg came in he went into the laundry room and Christian wanted to help Greg pull the clothes out of the dryer.  So I looked at Greg and whispered to him that I was leaving so Christian wouldn't see me leave. (Christian never wanted me to leave, no matter who I left him with) I worked about 30 minutes away so I kind of rushed to work that day.  Well, I got to work right before 10:00 a.m. I worked at a shoe store selling major brands like NIKE...Well anyways, 15 minutes into work my manager came running in the back saying someone is on the phone and they said its an emergency.  So I ran up front to answer the phone and Greg was on the phone, and he said the worst thing you can ever hear.  "Christian is not breathing!" I hung up the phone I didn't listen to him say anything else.  I called my mom to go to the hospital.  I sware it seemed like it took hours to get to the hospital.  I arrived with my sister meeting me outside.  She was crying she told me I had to be calm, but I couldn't I just wanted to see my baby.  Then I saw my mom and she was in tears.  I KNEW SOMETHING WAS REALLY WRONG.  I about fell to the floor.  The nurse came out and said you have to be calm, that I can't make Christian upset.  So I got calm enough to see him, and when I did it hurt so bad. I wanted it to be me and not him.  He was hooked up to machines and people pushing on his chest and they having to give him air. I just sat next to him and told him I was there for him and I would never leave him.  We were in the Houston County hospital for a while then they brought Christian to the Macon Medical Center.  There he just got worst. By the way at this time I only knew Christian had choked on a cracker.  Just to see him laying there with all those tubs and machines hooked up to him. He had so many test done. They let Greg finally come to the hospital.  Still I didn't know what really happened to Christian.  The doctor had talked to us, and told us that Christian was brain dead, and that there was nothing that they could do for him.  It was the worst news you could ever hear.  The doctors gave Christian 24 hours to see if he would possibly progresses.  My father from Maine came, family and friends were all around.  That was the first time my dad got to see my angel. 

August 8, 2004....With all my family and friends around the doctor came in and said that I could lay with Christian and I knew that was a bad sign because the night before nurses were having fits that i was so close to him and they couldnt get to the machines....He left and he let the family that was in the waiting room come in.  I knew it was the last time I would hold my presious son.  He then said I have to turn the machines off, and you can hold him. I just wanted him to wake up and say "ha ha just kidding mom Im not going anywhere" It didnt happen.  I held Christian for maybe 10 minutes, and my mom and dad held Christian..And if anyone else did im sorry if I didn't name you.

(There is a lot of stuff that I did not mention, SORRY)

August 9, 2004....The doctor gave me some medication to help me sleep, since I didn't sleep since the 6th of August.  It sure did make me sleep.  I got woken up about 12:00 P.M. because a detective wanted to see Greg and I.  So Greg drove us to the police station.  Just to let you know I was still on drugs.  Once we got there, we went straight back, I had to go to the restroom, so they went ahead and took Greg back and when I came out I was greated by another gentleman.  He took me to a room by myself, and I was freezing, so he got me a jacket.  Not even 5 minutes of me sitting in there my mom and Tom (stepdad) came in and said "we are taking you home." I was so upset because I didn't want to leave Greg there by himself.  My mom reminded me that Greg had his car and he would be home shortley.  Once we got home I went to lay on the couch.  The phone rang about 30 minutes later, and my parents answered it upstairs.  They came down after they talked on the phone and my mom said that they needed to talk to me.  She started out saying Christians death wasnt an accident, and that Greg had hurt him.  I was histarical.  I couldn't even breathe.  I wanted to kill him.  How can you hurt an innocent child. 

This is how my life ended and how Christians life as and angel started.  He is still my child and I will always love him.  He is the most beautiful child on earth.

To all my family and friends.  Thank you so much for being there for me and still helping me out.

Hope you enjoy the pictures, please be patient this web page is in the process of being worked on....

Thank you! I love you all!